


huh, so this is what heartbreak feels like

by orphan_account



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: M/M, Peter's POV, Suicidal Thoughts, chronological order, excessive use of the word and, little dialogue like so so little
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 14:17:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17664233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: a study the interactions of one private eye and one master thiefand the toll it takes on said thief





	huh, so this is what heartbreak feels like

Peter Nureyev was not in the business of being understood. 

 

In truth, he didn’t think it was possible, not because he was such a wildly complex character but more so out of the fact that he’d never met anyone who was aligned with him. He’d gone to countless planets, participated in endless affairs, yet nobody, Nureyev believed, had any grasp of who he truly was. 

 

And perhaps in some odd way this had harbored a deep sense of loneliness. Maybe Nureyev had become a bit empty due to all of this. It wasn’t that he necessarily needed a lover - or even that he wanted one, but rather he just wanted a companion. A true companion. Whether that be a friend or an enemy or a love, he found himself caring less and less. He just knew he wanted someone, someone who could know him, someone who could understand him, someone who could see him for him and wouldn’t run for the hills. 

 

But he’d come to peace with the fact that he was alone. This didn’t all suddenly change when Juno came into his life- or rather when he came into Juno’s life, seeing as the detective had been trying to escape through a window.

 

Juno was an oddity of sorts. No amount of files could have had truly prepared Nureyev for the detective. Yes, he knew the facts. Juno had been a cop, although why he resigned no one seemed to know, he had a twin brother who had died, he had a penchant for getting into trouble, he hardly made ends meet, and he was a detective with a damn good reputation of getting his job done. What the files left out was that Juno understand to have an extraordinary grasp on the cruel nature of the universe, and yet he held some hope out for things to be better. The disappointment which made the detectives shoulders sag was the result of misplaced hope, a sign of unrelenting optimist ( because here’s the thing, if you don’t hope, there’s nothing to be disappointed by ) . He was a man with a smart mouth and smarter mind with snarky comments and bad jokes and observant eyes. He held himself like a tragedy, a car wreck waiting to happen, and Peter could not take his eyes off him. 

 

( It didn’t hurt than Juno was quite pretty either. Maybe not in the conventional sense but pretty nonetheless, what with his skewed nose and long sweeping eyelashes and wild curls. No, that was just a benefit. A benefit which had Peter flirting only seconds after seeing him. )

 

But that’s not what made Peter reconsider the permanency of his loneliness. He could handle the hiccup which was the complexity of Juno Steel- after all, he was a master of improvising if nothing else. No, what made Peter really stop was how intelligent he was. Juno knew. He knew after far shorter than Peter ever thought possible. He knew and he saw him. And wasn’t that something… exciting. It felt far more vulnerable, to be the prey instead of the predator. And maybe that wasn’t a fair metaphor either because a prey doesn’t swagger into the jaws of a beast, happy to do so. 

There was a problem though. Because as much Peter was willing to give, there were some things so tied into his soul and very being, he didn’t think he could completely change them. And that was he doesn’t have a home. Not really, he has places he likes, but nowhere to call his, and better yet, nowhere to claim his as theirs. Not that anyone would want to, nobody wanted Peter Nureyev, maybe his identities but not him. He was born somewhere; he will die somewhere, but he will spread himself so thin across the universe that he will be more ghost story than man. 

 

Juno had only ever known Mars, that was home. It was enough for him. No, it was more than Juno needed. Mars was spilling out of the seams of Juno’s arm, if Juno was Atlas, he could only fit Mars. Yes, Nureyev thought, what a fitting metaphor. Juno wasn’t ready to leave, he was too scared that the world which was so chaotic, would finally fall part without him. And perhaps, Juno wouldn’t know who he was without the Mars ground beneath his feet, without the distinct smell of neon and smoke and ozone.

 

He didn’t want to see the stars. Nureyev had only ever known constant travel.  They wanted each other, they knew that they’d be good with each other, but they weren’t able  to change their natures. That’s how they validated it at the very least. 

 

But still- Peter Nureyev hoped. And so he gave his name. With his theatrics, he said farewell, the taste of a Martian Man on his lips. And Peter was just a little love in with the way Juno had melted, the quickness of hands, the justice that radiated from Juno.  _ Would there ever be another person in this universe like Juno Steel?  _ Nureyev had met so many people. Too many to keep track, different cultures and different planets and all ages, and yet Juno. Juno, Juno, Juno, a wonder amongst the worlds. 

 

But no matter what, he had to go. He had stars to see, hearts to steal, throats to slit. But if he used the memory of Juno to pass time, no one but him knew. No one but him. And if he compared every partner he had to take to Juno, well, it’s just another secret to add to the list.

________

 

He visits. He can’t keep away, Peter Nureyev never had great self control. Patience, sure, self control? No. Those two traits make great thieves, and Nureyev is a fantastic one. But he doesn’t go just to see Juno. There is something definitely suspicious about this Mirasma character, how she’s hoarding weapons, being ambiguous constantly. But somehow Juno is in the midst of it. 

 

It makes Peter smile a bit endearingly,  _ his detective always getting into trouble _ . But he also has a job to get with. And then Juno goes and swallows it, and he falls into the arm of a beautiful, strong woman. And Peter doesn’t have a job any longer; he doesn’t need to stick around. When he leaves, he thinks, this was a mistake. Any ideas of some happy ever after, entanglements of their lives, the private investigator and the thief are always intruded in on by a woman with broad shoulders and direct movements. 

It’s only when he’s alone a hotel room on Earth’s moon, a little drunk, that the realization hits him:  _ ah, so this is what heartbreak feels like.  _ Peter’s never been a poet but he knows enough to know that none of the classics ever got the sensation right. His world isn’t ending but it’s not his world anymore. What if he had just stayed?

 

_________________________________________________________________________

 

They meet again; Juno calls out to him. Unknowingly but still, Peter considers it a win. Except, well, Juno doesn’t trust him. Juno spits his name back at him like it’s worth nothing. He sits far away, he gives wary glances, he acts like Nureyev has done something terrible. And it’s hard not to become sharp, to take the brunt of this mistrust, and one time he does snap. Once, and it makes Juno recoil, and he hates that. He hates that because he would never, _ he would never hurt Juno _ . Not for anything in the world. 

 

Then they get back together. And they’re in sync. And then life happens. Not just anyone's life, but Peter and Juno’s which means it’s damning and hard and terrible. And Juno is bleeding, and they’re both starving, and Juno decided he’s going to leave him. He’s going to play the martyr. Peter would have stayed in there if he could have. He knows now that a life without Juno is a life boring. A life with Juno is truly a life. He wanted to pry open the door, wanted to hold him, he doesn’t care if it’s not a glorious death. But Juno decides no. No, Peter must live.

 

But- but Juno doesn’t die. He comes out, limping and falls into Peter’s arms. They’re not whole anymore, they never were, but something has in fact shifted. Together they’re something. They fit into each other, their emptiness bleeding together and not looking so vacant.

 

Juno knows Peter more than anyone in the world. He knows his past. He’s seen it all firsthand, and Juno doesn’t flinch from his touch. This could be something. Juno says it, that he’ll go, and Peter is relieved because he doesn’t know who he’d be in one place. He would be willing to stay, if Juno asked. But Juno had regretted not going. There future was open and endless and theirs.

 

_ You know, Juno... call me a fool if you like, but I think- I may have fallen in love with you. _

 

**_I- If you’re a fool, that makes two of us._ **

 

Beautiful words uttered into the night. Nureyev sleeps better than he has in weeks. Finally a bed, wrapped around someone he knows will be there in the morning. And the day after, and the day after, and until he can think of.

 

And they’re trying again and Juno leaves and Peter leaves, and maybe that is in their nature. Maybe one of them is always going to be leaving; maybe Peter is always just going to have his heartbroken by Juno Steel. Maybe Peter would cut off his tongue to be with Juno Steel.

 

________________________________________________________________________

 

It feels like years. It hasn’t been; it’s been months of living and existing and trying to get his kicks. He’s organized a group, they’re a good bunch. Peter has been keeping tabs on Juno, trying to stay detached yet unable to resist observation. There were weeks when it seemed like Juno was dead, and that was something. There were no more what ifs, only the past, and it made Peter crueler. It made his patience wear thin. But it also made him kinder, he felt like he could feel the ghost of Juno disapproving any harm to innocent bystanders. And then, well, Juno wasn’t dead. He was alive in New Town.

 

And how the pattern continues, Juno comes unknowingly to him. A mess, but a mess which makes Peter Nureyev melt into himself; a mess which elicits reactions no man or woman or other had ever done. He looks different, like he’s gone through hell and back. He must be different too if he’s leaving Mars. Peter wants to know everything, but Juno left him. He wants but he knows that whatever they were having, it’s gone. This is professional now. He places his fox grin on, 

 

“Hello Juno, it’s been a while.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I literally only like oh the first 200 words? which I wrote five months ago or so? and then this last episode came out and I thought oh well I gotta contribute something


End file.
